The Frisbees
by Jcthegirl
Summary: So why exactly was Lea obsessed with frisbees? Did it have something to do with his anglophilic nature? Or did it have to do with shirtless Xehanort? Crack fic.


_**The Frisbees**_

_I apologize in advance for any lost brain cells. No offense meant to the British, Anglophiles, Narnia-lovers, shirtless guys, people who like to throw things... (Reuploaded because of the glitch.)_

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><p>It all started one sizzling hot day some eleven or so years ago. Sizzling hot as in all the men, no matter what age or how hot themselves or how disgustingly hairy, pranced about Radiant Garden in all their shirtless glory. It was a horrifying sight, really, but some were unfortunate enough or stupid enough to venture outside that day.<p>

Among those idiots was little, stubborn Lea.

Now you see, Xehanort was on another Kingdom Hearts-related business trip as usual, this time in Radiant Garden. Any person could see where this is heading, but the rather obvious question is WHY. WHY in the worlds would Xehanort reveal his old man body, even if it was only his torso, for the poor children of Radiant Garden to see? Of course, Xehanort simply could not care less (and that phrase is NOT "could care less," which makes absolutely no sense yet people continue to use it as if it did). Not only did he not care in the slightest, but it could have in fact, he later reasoned, helped along his plan of world domination by poisoning the minds of the people there and allowing darkness into their hearts, thus creating more Heartless for Xehanort with a much too long name to command and more Nobodies for Xehanort plus Terra minus heart to command.

But despite this, this terrifying fact only further exemplifies hot darn HOT it was.

But Lea, he for whatever reason enjoyed this heat. He was on his merry way, galumphing along as he planted the memory of his weirdo child self into unsuspecting people, when Xehanort trudged by.

"By Kingdom Hearts, this heat wave is causing my armpits to seal shut from excessive perspiration!" is what Xehanort yelled at an innocent passerby in a British manner, thus sounding cross because Americans sound angry and only Britons sound cross (effectively sounding cooler than their American counterparts). Said passerby fled in terror, for Xehanort ripped off his sweaty spandex shirt and flung it offscreen, probably hitting a cat and eliciting annoying cat yowls, which is extremely overused.

Lea had already been momentarily blinded by his baldness, yet he still was enjoying Xehanort's accent because at heart, he was an Anglophile, despite not knowing the country at all and it not existing on his own world.

Part of this strange condition could be attributed to his love for the Narnia series, the only set of books he had actually read voluntarily. He was such a rabid fan that he had scoured the town for wardrobes, breaking into everyone's home and earning his name as the Demon-Child of Radiant Garden. Unfortunately, all he could find was a little hole in the ground that led to some place with more British-themed things (they had tea time, after all) where flowers and animals all talked on about some young girl named Alice who probably didn't even exist at this time yet. As British as the world was, it was not Narnia, and he left, though not before eating whatever it was that made you grow and taking out half the forest.

What does this have to do with shirtless Xehanort, you say? Amazingly, it actually has some relevance! Just a little, though. Don't get your hopes up.

Once Lea recovered from bald-blindness, he gaped in shock at the... This authoress will not even attempt to imagine it, it had to have been that horrible. But even after the initial disgust, Narnia-obsessed Lea could only picture Xehanort with Edmond's head, since Edmond always seemed to be the most pouty and cross out of all of them. (Peter was just mean sometimes.)

He might have recovered had he not thought this beast had head of Edmond and body of man, thus relating it to Mr. Tumnus and his body of man and legs of goat. So the mental image of poor Tumnus was destroyed FOREVER.

He recoiled in terror, fleeing back to the only logical place - his momma. Along the way, he dubbed the hopefully-threatened-with-extinction creature he had discovered as a Manmond, even though it deserved no name. (Later, Axel renamed it Ednort. He never lost his grudge against Xemnas despite Terra making him and his Heartless all ripped and not so old and ugly.)

When he came screaming and crying home to his mommy about Manmond, SHE did the logical thing and slapped him clear across the room.

Let it be duly noted that this woman had the face of a bulldog, Sequoia legs, watermelon... Well, she was fat. Like, really, really fat. Obese. Go figure.

So she pointed a sausage-finger at cowering Lea and screamed, "YOU DEMON-CHILD AND YOUR MANMONDS, GO TO THE KITCHEN AND HIT YOUR HEAD AGAINST PAPER PLATES OR THE COUNTERTOP OR SOMETHING, OR MORE PREFERABLY, PLAY WITH THE KNIVES!"

This lady was absolutely crazy, but Lea didn't know better, so he went to the kitchen and chose the least painful of the three. So he hit his head against the countertop. But after the first three hits, a paper plate floated dramatically from the mysterious cupboard (which actually contained Narnia, but sadly, Lea had only checked wardrobes - how he missed the lion roars, who knows), most likely by fate.

He was so angry it interrupted his headdesking (technically head-countering) that he grabbed it and chucked it so hard it stuck into the wall.

But then he realized.

Throwing things was flippin' awesome.

When his mother's rage was finally suppressed by eating the fridge inside out, Lea managed to escape so he could throw things as he pleased.

He threw anything he could get his hands on: tennis balls, flowers, Kairi's flowers, Kairi, babies... (Though the latter two of this never-ending list had authoress-ensured padding on the ground, walls, etc. that they were thrown at.)

But yet, these things held little satisfaction in comparison to that paper plate. Even still, the paper plates lost their charm when he threw one into the stove when it was turned on, and for punishment his mother starved him for three days, mainly because she had eaten all the food (and we all wonder why Axel is so skinny).

What could possibly be durable enough to last through every throw at wall or person, inflammable enough so it could survive the kitchen stove?

Lea had conveniently passed by a store window one day, where they just happened to be displaying frisbees in one of those plot devices where the main character goes all googly eyed over something and has this moment of revelation, and whatever it is CHANGES THEIR LIFE FOREVER. This time it was frisbees, but it could just have easily been anything, in reality. Maybe a hot girl, but that wouldn't work in this dimension, because Lea really just wanted to chuck things at walls, and that would only happen in marriage. But to the guy.

Even more conveniently, there were little menacing fire symbol things that every boy would say "Cool!" at and girls "Ew, that's ugly." So he bought them with the money he had found in people's wardrobes. He gave a creeper smile (not any more creeperish than that of the Manmond), and he swore that one day, he would track down the Manmond and pelt it with a fiery hail of frisbees.

So that's how Lea got his frisbees. Yep.

THE END.

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><p><em>I don't even know either. Inspired by Infamousplot's The Magical Tale of Vanitas. (Normally I avoid anything with cursing involved (there wasn't that much, though), but it was much too good to ignore.)<em>

_There was some crossover Narnia and KH fic that I read about British people being cross instead of angry, but I don't remember it. It's how I think of it now, though. I love British accents, as a side note._

_Might do Isa and the moon too... XD_

_I deeply apologize if I fried your brain_.


End file.
